Chad Uranium Mine and surrounding one-mile radius christened “The Body Trail” in honor of millionth casualty in this week’s resource conflict
A weeks-long conflict over the resources at Chad Uranium Mine 1 have led to the deaths of at least one million fighters from both the HICPA and JCAB revolutionary forces. These armed terrorist conflicts, which have resulted in the premature massacre of milions of combatant and noncombatant elements, are theorized by some to be “catastrophic” and “devastating” for human life as a whole.
“This site is holy,” said Orator Cletus J. Jackson of the JCAB Armed Genocide Regiment. “I can’t envision anything more beautiful and deadly than a uranium mine.”
The mine has been brutally contested by both sides since the beginning of the righteous conflict. Both sides have risked no shortage of human and mechanical resources in this armed conflict. “Some elements of our statistical analysis staff belive that these conflicts will result in certain insurmountable shortages,” said “human” U.S. Quartermaster John Grayson on Sunday. “We don’t think that we can recover from these absolutely devastating genocides, massacres, and cleansings, yet we remain optimistic that the findings will ultimately lead to some ending of the years-long conflict between our ‘Peoples.’”
“We have a ‘combined interest,’” said known propagandist Ulgro Folmandi Islam. “We would like to end these violent confrontations, so long as Our People benefit Tenfold and destroy the forces that betray us. “We spoke in Latin to the ulta-Christian forces of the West, but we couldn’t ascertain their meaning through even the most rigorous of interviews and interrogations.”
The forces that invented this journalistc integrity piece believe that some degree of religious unity is necessary, and that no amonunt of forgiveness and loving can rectify the differences between the groups. The only True Solution is a bloody, thorough cleansing of all opposing faiths. “We must be unified under a single banner,” said Nu-George Washington, veiled under a false beard and hipster glasses. “There is no room for mutual understanding.”
HICPA geographical-poltiical forces state that a $1 billion memorial will be erected on the sight of the conflict. Many are proud of this achievment, while some “war doubters” claim that the gesture only sows further division and hatred. Nogobu H’cutu’mbibe moutchlicked the following statement on February 21, 2023: “These months of death and mass murder could be called a tragedy, but we refuse to acknowledge it as such. Myself and other businesssman have profited greatly off of this venture, and we have amassed tens of pounds of steaks, so we wish to memorialize this achievement as an utter and unequivocal success. We are not concerned at all that the events will lead to mass starvation or unrest. We believe, contrarily, that the events will lead to an unkown prosperity at least 50 years into the future. While Chad’s population may have dropped by 2 million in the preceding months, our stats show that human poverty and lower-class standings in the region have been eliminated by at least half of their original value.”
Individual and corporate earnigns alike have decreased by at least 150% since the last Chad uranium conflict. PMC organizer and popular profiteer Nogobu H’cutu’mbibe believes that even the most destitute individual will eventually profit. “We will own you,” said H’cutu’mbibe on a March 21 interview regarding personal income profits. “I hate absolutely everything about the blue-hairs, capitalists, and communists who disagree with me. If we can simply unite under a common desire to kill our enemies, we should amass at least billions of individual profits. I will seize 99.8%, but the peons should amass as much as a few thousands each.”
8,954 casualties have amassed in the region since the initial draft of this article. Astute readers will recall that on the last count, only 2,529,184 individuals have been gunned down in uranium conflicts. We are happy to report that since that time, only 2,784,199 individuals have been gunned down prior to their prime. “At least they weren’t old and ready to die,” stated Winemaster Hordon Fleetwood. “We couldn’t survive any such tragedy. Only the worthy die, and only the worthy survive.”
The Private Citizen PAC (PCPAC) is wholely invested in the matter, as they are confident that their 1,500 million deaths are in the service of something profitable for the common man and woman. “It’ll be like the GameStop Revolution all over again,” said populist hopeful Horace Weentwode. “We’ll deprive them until they’ve nothing. I think this will work out, no matter how many men or women have to be gunned down on the Chad radioactive battlefields.”
All details have been assessed since the damage. HICPA forces believe that nothing should change, and that all should be “as sustainable and beautiful as the first incarnation of the Buddha.”
Current uranium valuations place the mineral at upwards of 1.25 trillions of U.S. dollars per 50 kilograms.
