Largest Fish Ever Caught

The largest fish ever done caught on flood waters was seen today. I seen it with my own eyes and it was at least 150 pounds of pure rotten flesh. Jimmy thrown that thing down on the pavement like it was fit to cook ‘ere.

When Jimmy thown that thing down I was like, that shit is the biggest fish I ever seen. And he said he caught that shit going wading only waist-heights in the local Fisherman’s Pond. He said he done caught that thing with nothing but his own two hands and a couple of feet of fishing line and some bait and tackle.

I thought to myself, ‘if this is the largest fish ever been caught on American waters, what is the smallest?’ and this line of investigative journalism smart questioning brought me to the deep-South town of Belle Plain, TX, where they taught me bout small perch and knick-knacks. They taught me bout green and brown fishies, they taught me about small and large, but some gentleman there, name of Gomodius “the Small-Fish Sovereign” Westelle, shown me what kind of small fish gets caught in a line down Texas-way.

Gomodius had a good deal to say about fishermanship. In his view, even the small fish deserve’t some degree of care and recognition. He had this outlandish view that his exploits in small fish territory would net him some degree of fame and/or affection. Retard that he was, I couldn’t help but pity the poor old man, as he had dedicated both his career and his craft to catching “small fish in a large pond.”

Gomodius also imparted some words on me that I shan’t soon forget. “The largest fish in the smallest pond is like the biggest shark in the smallest aquarium,” he said, a mile of hot brown Cuban cigar between his mouth and my own. I sucked his cigar down quite thoughtfully and even done swallowed the Goddamn thing. But when I processed that two or even three pound nicotine suckin’ device, I thought, maybe it don’t matter how big the fish is. Maybe it’s something deep about how big your country heart is, ultimately.