“It will be our undoing”: Research team discovers deadly starfish in blast zone
On a July 6 expedition, craternauts from Kraznatod Blast Team Six (KBT-6) discovered a horrifying sight that none could have predicted: a single radioactive starfish carrying enough Naegleria fowleri amoebas to wipe out a small nation. The ameba was found on the shoreline of an uninhabited island in the Bering Sea, about 400 kilometers southwest of Kotzebue Island and 700 kilometers northeast of Nome. It is believed that this species has never been seen before, as no records of its existence could be found in a cursory search of the Moscow Library.
The discovery comes as a major blow to the entire Arctic Ocean region, which now faces a serious threat of extinction due to this single organism. The scientists are still trying to determine how it got there, but they believe that the creature must have somehow entered the ocean through a hole in a nuclear submarine’s payload.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Owen Bagnall, head of the Nuclear Revival Program at the National Institutes of Health (NRPNIH) and leader of the expedition. “The creature’s movements are impossible to predict or control. We’re lucky that any of us got out alive.”
From what it is understood from early observations, a crewmember of the submarine likely infected the creature with the brain-killing ameba when he attempted to control its path by spraying noxious gas in the surrounding water.
“We believe that he was scared for his life. We discovered a crew log on-site that detailed each crewman’s health conditions, and one in particular turned out to be deathly afraid of starfish.” At press time, the amoeba had not spread to any other animals or plants on the island.
Upon entering the creature’s body, the ameba immediately began feeding, and it took only a few hours for the starfish to die. However, its carcass seems to now be an unwitting host for the amoeba, as it has now spread to the other starfish carcasses on the island.
There is nothing that can be done to stop the amoeba’s spread now other than containing it to the island. Top military officials have proposed “covering it with a stainless steel dome,” although the research and development division of the Kurzt Production Unit (KPU) is in an uproar regarding this proposition. Strikes and violent protests are already underway at the KPU facility.
“There is absolutely no way we can do this,” exclaimed Dr. Herst “Steel King” Geiger shortly after throwing a brick at a passing APC. “We won’t be able to develop new WMDs for months if our research is restricted to this one project. We’ll be wiped out by HICPA forces if we postpone our work on the Gundo-Harrier pseudonuke!”
Scientists still loyal to the KPU are reportedly developing several different methods of containing the ameba, including fumigating the island with DBC toxin, which has been banned by the N-UN since its devastating effects were discovered in the Aral Sea.
“That drug has been linked to a series of bizarre mass suicides among the centipedes of southern France,” explained biologist Dr. Karol “KC” Conway. “Although I suppose it would be effective, it would probably make the island and the surrounding 500 mile radius uninhabitable for several years.”
Another proposal by the loyalist staff suggested that the military “pump cast iron into the waters around the island.”
“We tried this in a VR simulation using a model of the scuttled USN Los Angeles-class submarine USS Blubber Barge,” Dr. Bagnall points out. “It didn’t work. The amoeba absorbed the iron, grew stronger, and broke through the hull of the ship.”
It is uncertain what the final plan will be, but all reliable sources agree that the amoeba must be contained.
The fate of the world may be determined by this single organism.
