Revolutionary intranet brainwave machine conducts “true sentiment analysis,” cuts through “bull****”
In an effort to reduce mind waste, the Hindustan Abstract Analysis Unit (HAAU) has approved funding for a brainwave analysis project spearheaded by Dr. Anastasia Nikolaevna Klypin. The goal of this research is to create a revolutionary new device that will allow users to bypass the human tendency toward over-thinking and irrationality, allowing them to focus on more important things in life such as love or money. The first step in this process involves creating a computer program capable of analyzing the user’s thoughts and emotions.
This will be done using a series of electrodes placed on the user’s head. The program will then analyze these emotions and thoughts to determine what type of emotion it is being analyzed for. It will then display this information on a screen. Next, the user must have their brainwaves monitored while they are not performing any mental activity. The electrodes will be able to detect the presence of certain mental states such as happiness, surprise and alarm. These detected emotions will be displayed on the screen along with the information that these are emotions. To assure accurate sentiment analysis unimpeded by impulse or movement, subjects are often non-harmfully injected with neurotoxins which eliminate physical function while keeping “sentiment analysis-relevant data” fully intact. Finally, the user is required to focus on “true feelings or emotions.” While this can be done through training, it is believed that the best results will be had through a combination of paralyzing neurotoxins and usage of the new brainwave analyzer.
“It’s important the user not be able to think about anything else when performing this process,” said Dr. Klypin, “as the brain will be able to focus and analyze without the distraction of other mental activities. That’s why we’re using the new brainwave analyzers to bypass common thought processes. It’s simply science.” “It’s not a lie,” said official HAUU spokesperson Brenda Lenton. “With the right training, anyone can analyze for whatever emotion they wish to detect. Now anyone can know if someone is lying to them with ease. We’re truly making the world safe for democracy.”
The device has been compared to the parahuman power of “divination”, though this is a misnomer. While it is possible for a skilled user to “see into the mind of someone else” and many uses such as diagnostics and forensics may benefit from this ability, the device instead allows users to analyze a situation and draw “inferences” about it. This process is what is known as “signal detection”. Using the information displayed on the screen, a trained user can determine whether or not a given “signal” is present in the data displayed. For example, if the screen displays the words “I’m sad” and the user is shown a video of a person smiling, a trained user could determine that the display shows the word “sad”, not that the person is actually sad. Dr. Klypin has claimed that this brain-computer interface will eventually allow “anyone” to be a professional assassin. While this is yet to be proven, it’s already allowing many people with no background in medicine to detect diseases such as cancer, and emotional weaknesses within high-value political targets, with near-100% accuracy.
